So perhaps a brief (ha ha, when am I ever brief?) fill in of the huge gaps in my blog is in order. It might at the very least help me figure out what exactly did happen and when. I'm finding that my memory is getting worse and worse and unfortunately noone I talk to about it is taking it seriously. It could be partly to do with not doing very much at all so one day blends into the next, but I'm also finding that if I think back to a specific month, instead of being able to remember clearly what I did in order like I used to be able to do, I now draw a complete blank. Add to that the deterioration of my otherwise impeccable spelling (could this be reliance on the firefox spell checker since all my time is spent online and not having to write anything by hand any more?) and my difficulty remembering words (forgetting the names of objects and having to describe them instead is getting a bit embarrassing to say the least). Or could this be something more serious? I first noticed a marked deterioration after the first lot of medication I was given which gave me a terrible allergic reaction (Serotonin Syndrome is horrid, I had early stages of jaundice so stopped taking the meds and drank as much water as I could force myself to drink). Pretty much every medication I've been prescribed so far has made my brain feel fuzzy and unclear. I am relatively worried that the clarity will never quite come back, but without a definite cause its hard to find a remedy (if any). Also, my mother has the same sort of memory issues as I do and she has been having them since her 40s. Now she's 50 and its got to the point where she is unable to finish her sentences as she can't remember what she was going to say. Sounds like some sort of early onset Altzheimer's to me.
Anyway.... brief overview wasn't it?
August 2009 - Nick left me after 3 years and 9 months together. This pretty much killed me inside. I'd been in what I'd soon realise was a manic phase which had lasted a good month up until that point. Nick had been the only thing which had kept me relatively stable whilst I was at Winchester University. I wouldn't have got a 2.1 without him.
September 2009 - I'd applied to study Palaeolithic Archaeology and Human Origins at Southampton University in August. It was quite a late application, but I had believed it would have been a good move as I'd be back closer to Nick again. Then of course he left me so I decided to try anyway because the course was for me not for him. Seeing him there was tough as he simply ignored me despite having promised to stay friends (something I valued him as more than as a romantic partner). And I guess I tried as best as could be expected considering I was in a major depressive episode. It was around this time that after trying to speak to him casually at a bus stop and having him ignore me and turn and talk to the other person he was with, that something snapped and I just walked out into the oncoming traffic and stopped. I wasn't hit by anyone, so walked off back to my place in tears.
October 2009 - Got a job to fund my studies at the university as an "equipment checker" making sure all the computers and whiteboards and other electrical appliances were in working order in the lecture rooms. I realised that without Nick I could barely trust myself to function and started looking into what the underlying problem with me has been. I made an appointment with the G.P. who specialises in mental health and got referred to a psychiatrist as the G.P. reckoned I had either depression or a bipolar disorder of some kind. In the mean time he prescribed me some medication for the depression, which as mentioned above, gave me very bad side effects.
As an example of how my mania was effecting me, Grandpa had given me £500 for Christmas to help me pay for food, rent and bills. I cashed the check and managed to spend it on a corset (over 300$ worth) and also on a whole load of other stuff except what I was meant to be spending it on. I actually managed to spend some of it "twice" (spent the money on something when I was going to spend it on the corset then had to use my housing benefits to pay for the corset) so I ended up having to beg money off my Mum to pay for my rent and food.
January 2010 was also the month I got to see Emilie Autumn live for the first time.
March-April 2010 - Easter time at home with my family, then a trip to London for the Ancient Human Occupation of Britain conference held yearly at the British Museum. I was in London for a week, stopping at a Youth Hostel. I managed to spend a shed load of money on half price Hotel Chocolat chocolate and clothes - 3 blouses and 2 skirts to go with the corset I ordered from Alexis. When I got back to Southampton the corset was waiting for me, as was another one I had ordered off the rack from Honour in a cream pinstripe. Alexis' corset was my first corset with an 18" waist. I also had my first ever photo shoot to which I wore the corset and the outfit shown below.
May 2010 - Not sure what happened much in this month other than Mum and Mark's anniversary which I go to every year around the 28th. My studies had slipped so much because of my mood swings that it was now apparent that I wasn't going to finish everything I needed to by the end of the academic year. I received the photos from my photo shoot, a couple of which can be seen below.
June 2010 - I bought those lovely platform heels (see blog post for June 2010). They fit me really well so I didn't have to send them back. I met with my course supervisor at university to discuss what I was going to do regarding my unfinished work. I'd tried to catch up but hadn't been able to.
September 2010 - New academic year and new housemates. I was now sharing the flat with Tony and Ashley. I attended a few lectures before discussions with my course supervisor determined that it would be better for me to take a year out to finish the assignments and to then return in 2011 to take the 2nd year of the 2 year masters course.
October 2010 - After an interesting night out with Tony and Ashley, who I had become good friends with, Tony and I ended up going through to my room (after several hours sat watching the glitter lamp) and we decided at some point that night/morning that we should be going out. September/October was also when I started work in the charity shop, paid by the Wheatsheaf Trust.
November 2010 - Different medication and different doses still weren't sorting me out properly and again my work ended up suffering. Despite the Wheatsheaf Trust and the charity shop knowing before they took me on about my condition and how it was likely to effect me, they still got annoyed by my irregularity. I was often late as I struggle with mornings normally and the medication wasn't making it easier. But on every day that I was late by 10-15 minutes (never more than that) I put in extra time and left late. Usually I'd put in an extra hour, or however long was left till closing. I wasn't paid for anything other than the agreed contract hours. So I was loosing money from when I was late, but putting in extra time. I was working as hard as possible. Taking shorter dinner hours than needed and no breaks in the day since I don't smoke. I would be taught to do something once and then got on with it. There was another girl there who kept getting things wrong constantly, had to keep asking for more help. She got there on time, but took so many cigarette breaks (10mins a time) throughout the day which she was paid for (!) and took hour and a half lunch hours that she ended up working less hours than I did. I wasn't always able to phone to say I'd be late in because I have a phobia of telephones. Its only mild usually, but when depressed it increases to the point where I'm totally incapable of picking it up and using it. Add to that being scared of hearing what they'd say when I phoned meant I felt totally incapable of phoning. I apologised profusely for this, explained several times about the phobia. But that was one of the things that obviously was a concern for them.
November/December 2010 (can't remember exactly)
One day I was having a particularly low mood. I put in what felt like an extraordinary amount of effort to walk into work, late though I was. Once there I was taken aside and told off as gently as the manager could manage, but since I was having a terrible day I felt like she was being very harsh to me, so I ended up crying. She got angry at this and it reminded me of when I was little and used to get stood in the corner for being "naughty" and told I had to stay there until I stopped crying. But being there used to make me cry more so they'd get angrier at me and it would all escalate more and more. Needless to say its had a bad effect on me. So I tried to get on with my day as best I could. I took an extra mood stabiliser at the lunch time in an attempt to salvage my mood which was getting lower by the moment. This didn't work and I suppose its unsurprising considering that the mood stabilisers were better at sorting out mania than depression. At some point in the afternoon, the manager got angry with me again because I'd been downstairs trying as best I could and ended up loosing it over something small and so ran upstairs so I didn't end up crying in front of the customers. She basically insinuated that she didn't really want me there any more and I felt so terrible. This job was meant to help people like me who had to face every day struggles to get themselves into work. And they didn't want me there. They didn't want to help me as I tried to fix myself. It suddenly occurred to me that there was no other choice but to end my life. I went back home, didn't want to talk to Tony much. Eventually convinced him to leave me alone for a bit. And then I took all the tablets I had on hand with a whole load of Southern Comfort. I had ibuprofen in capsules, so opened up an entire pack of those into a glass. Mixed it with the alcohol and swallowed it with all of the paracetamol and codeine tablets and all of the antidepressants and all of the mood stabilisers. Tony came in to check on me a while later, saw what I'd done and phoned an ambulance which took me to hospital.
Something happened for Christmas. I'm not sure what. Again its a bit hazy.
January 2011 - whenever
I really can't remember much of what happened over the year. I know that at some point I got my UV corset and had the photoshoot with Sophie. Unfortunately I can't remember exactly when this was because everything blurred into one and the files I have on my computer have different dates on them so I'm not sure when it actually was. I feel terrible for not remembering since it was so much fun and was lovely to see Sophie again. And I got some wonderful photographs out of it all.
May-ish 2011
Then I know that the end of May was again spent at home for Mum and Mark's anniversary. I wore a new dress I got from PinUp Couture because I'd put on so much weight I couldn't fit the other dress and wear it a third time. And there was the Royal Wedding at some point too. Or maybe that was before. I'm not sure. It was warm weather anyway and we had a BBQ one day and a big party meal another.June 2011
I then wore the same dress but with a petticoat for Hannah and Stein's wedding which was 25th June. It was a very nice wedding, but was the first time since 2010 that I'd seen Nick. And I spent a lot of time crying because I still loved him and he was there with his new girlfriend. So that hurt a lot.July 2011
We went on holiday to Montignac again. Tony came with us and we had a nice time though the weather wasn't very good at all.August 2011
Not sure what happened for most of August. Tony was working over the summer so I think I was mostly alone. For my birthday my parents rented a flat in Canary Wharf, London and we stayed for a couple of days. Had a lovely meal out at Carluccio's. I also ordered my corsets from SugarKitty Corsets who had a buy one get one free offer on.September 2011
Tony came back for his second year of university. Nothing major happened for me, except making the decision not to go back to university as I realised that I didn't really know enough and wasn't really in the right mindset to attempt such a complicated course.October 2011
Had a couple of Halloween parties out at The Dungeon in Southampton. That was fun. October was also Tony and my anniversary, however we were both feeling really ill so didn't end up going out for a meal in the end.November 2011
Something probably happened this month. Not sure what. My brother had a birthday as usual. No clue other than that.December 2011
We had Christmas with just the four of us and Grandpa as Paul and Sheila were away on holiday.January 2012
Mum had a nervous breakdown due to "work related stress". Most of it was actually due to her being bullied by her boss. She got written off work on long term sick.My corsets from SugarKitty Corsets arrived. They are fantastic - just what I imagined. The orange and black one is truly spectacular. I designed this myself, picked out the lace I wanted and how I wanted it to be placed. Shannon absolutely nailed it! She got it all exactly how I imagined it in my head, even down to details I found didn't go down on paper as well as they appeared in my mind. I also adore the green polkadot corset which was why I ordered in the first place. I was so happy that I managed to find the exact same fabric as the original corset I'd seen on a very pretty model as the fabric, designed by Michael Miller was no longer being produced in that colour. I managed to find some in the sale on a particularly odd fabric website with only a few metres left.
February 2012
Tony and I had a nice Valentines Day this year. I decorated the room and made cupcakes. We found a house for our next year (from July). Its a lovely new build so it will be brand new for us!! More to be shared on this when we move in! I got prescribed some new medication to help with my bipolar disorder. I made the bloomers for my costume for the Emilie Autumn show and had ordered my corset from Marta of SnowBlack Corsets.March 2012
Tony and I came up to Nottingham to see Emilie Autumn live at Rock City. It was absolutely amazing! The new album is fantastic.Then I stayed up here to spend time with Mum.The competition themes for the Foundations Revealed and Your Wardrobe Unlock'd were announced and I decided that this year I would enter. The themes for FR are Shape and Ornamentation. And the theme I want to enter for YWU is Steampunk. Ideal for me since I made my bloomers in a steampunk theme and could easily make myself a complete outfit based around that idea. I could also tie the corset into the outfit since Ornamentation could include steampunk styling and could also have an interesting Shape.
April 2012
NOW!! I'm up to date with my blog! Yay! Its just been easter and hopefully I will be able to pick up some easter eggs now that they are half price at Hotel Chocolat. Going back to Southampton on 12th which I'm looking forward to as its been a month without Tony and also its been tough being here and seeing Mum like she is.
THE END... for now.
2 comments:
you look great in your corset.
hi alexa,
found your blog - nice summary about 3 years ...
are you still active?
greetings
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